Loving Someone with Addiction: How We Can Honor Matthew Perry by Dismantling Stigma

By Guest Author, Jeanine Bruen

Two weeks ago, beloved actor Matthew Perry of Friends fame passed away at his home in California. While he was alive, in addition to bringing audiences all over the world laughter and joy with his exuberant spirit and comedic instincts, he spent much of his life fighting for those suffering from the devastating disease - yes, disease - of addiction.

An interview clip of Perry on BBC news a few years ago has resurfaced in the wake of his death. In the clip, he is engaged in debate at the table with author Peter Hitchens, who doubles down several times on his assertion that addiction as a disease is a “fantasy” and that it is actually a “choice”. Perry, in rebuttal, goes on to explain the well-established science of how addiction affects the brain. He elaborates that, in his personal day-to-day experience with substance disorder, he has “control over the first drink” but not the second, and goes on with grace and composure to defend those across the world who struggle with this illness every day.

Medical studies and classifications of addiction make one thing crystal clear: Addiction is not a choice or personality trait. It is not a failure of character or morality, and it is certainly not a “fantasy”. Addiction is a chronic medical condition that rewires the brain, causing the person addicted to a given substance to crave it more and more as time goes on until that craving is out of their control. Tragically, the more an addict uses their drug of choice, the less dopamine their brain will produce. This subsequently requires larger quantities of the drug to achieve a feeling of satisfaction or pleasure.

Despite the abundant research on addiction and the way substance disorders affect the body, those who live with this disease often face stigma and judgment from their peers. According to studies conducted by the American Addiction Center, 90% of people would not want a person with drug addiction to marry into their family. 64% feel that employers should be able to flat out deny employment to people with a drug addiction. 4% even believe landlords should be allowed to deny housing to a person with drug addiction. These kinds of attitudes only prevent people from seeking help. Over 21 million Americans were diagnosed with a substance use disorder in 2018. Sadly, just one in ten sought treatment at a facility, and 60% of those who expressed a desire for help did not pursue it.

It can be difficult to separate the person from their disease, and understandably so. Addictive behaviors can inflict pain, and that pain is valid. Addiction spins like a tornado of complex grief and suffering, not just around the addict, but around all the people in their lives. Similar to what happens with a mood disorder, like depression or bipolar disorder, it can appear that a person struggling with substance abuse is simply making bad choices. In reality, addiction impairs self-control and robs the person of the concept of choice altogether. There have been many studies of the brain that demonstrate impairment in areas responsible for judgment, learning, memory, decision-making, and behavioral control.

The way we speak and think about addiction matters. Just as it doesn’t make sense to judge someone negatively for having a heart condition or cancer, it is critical that we regard addiction in the same way so that people feel unashamed and empowered to seek help. As someone who has watched a loved one fight to survive substance disorder, I can promise you: They would have given anything not to be sick. Luckily, this person was able to receive effective treatment and has been sober for over a decade. I am grateful for this every day. I know full well not everyone is so lucky.

Here are some reminders and tips for supporting someone with addiction:

-Refer your loved one to aa.org, where they can look up the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous meeting in their area. There are lots of approaches to treatment, but twelve-step programs are statistically proven to be more effective than any other method.

-Set boundaries. Make your love and compassion clear, but resist engaging in enabling or rescuing behaviors; sometimes, as painful as it may be, saying “no” is necessary to save someone’s life.

-Don’t blame yourself. You are not responsible for your loved one’s addiction and you don’t have control over their recovery. To get better, they have to want to get better.

-Talk therapy, 24/7 residential programs and some medications have also been proven to be effective methods of substance disorder treatment. If you have questions, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. The SAMHSA national hotline is open 24 hours a day at 1-800-662-4357.

Being conscious of talking about addiction from an informed and compassionate place isn’t just fluff. It can help save people. The more we understand something, the more equipped we become to conquer it. Everyone deserves a chance to live a healthy, full, and joyful life, out of the darkness of addiction and into the light.

Matthew Perry was just 54 when he died.